We don’t get to choose where we were born.
We don’t get to choose which family we were born.
We don’t get to choose what year when we were born.
We don’t get to choose what color we were born.
We don’t get to choose the pre-condition health when we are born.
All those things we don’t get to choose are known as unchosen sufferings.
Unchosen suffering refers to challenges or discomfort beyond our control that we do not willingly invite into our lives. Sometimes, life throws curveballs at us — the stuff we never saw coming. This can include unexpected illness, loss of loved ones, accidents, or other forms of adversity that are beyond an individual’s control.
A person born into extreme poverty in a region with limited access to education and employment opportunities faces unchosen suffering. The lack of resources and systemic barriers may create significant challenges for their personal and professional development.
Individuals born into societies with strict cultural or social norms that restrict personal freedom or discriminate based on gender, race, or other factors may face unchosen suffering. These norms can limit opportunities for personal growth, self-expression, and equal treatment.
Someone born with a disability like Stephen Hawking couldn’t express himself like any other normal people do. He didn’t choose this life. The life chose him. Life makes him burden the unchosen sufferings.
On the other side of the spectrum, we know some hard individuals like David Goggins and Jocko Willink, who willingly invite sufferings into their lives.
They both achieved greatness.
They both led a team during their time in Navy SEALs.
They both are obsessed with doing something hard every day.
They set a standard so high for themselves and anyone around them.
Goggins runs for numerous ultra-marathons, while Willink looks like a beast and has a black belt in Jiu-Jitsu.
They have a huge self-respect.
Yet, they still couldn’t escape the agony of disaster when unchosen sufferings knocked upon their doors, telling them something bad was happening.
But there’s something different in their way of responding to disasters.
They are more prepared to manage adversity and tough circumstances they face through rigorous training on their chosen sufferings.
Chosen suffering refers to the hardships or difficulties that individuals willingly take on for a purpose they deem valuable:
This could include challenges such as pursuing a difficult career, engaging in strenuous physical training, running a marathon, hiking a gigantic mountain, building a business, or enduring hardships for a cause or belief. The key aspect is that the individual consciously embraces the difficulty for some perceived benefit, growth, or higher goal.
David Goggins and Jocko Willink are the epitome of individuals who built themselves from the ground up a stronger mental resilience and endurance to manage the risk of unforeseen circumstances by doing hard things every day.
By putting themselves in discomfort everyday.
By forcing themselves to do the things they don’t want to do.
But this doesn’t necessarily neglect the unchosen suffering that happened in the past to both Goggins and Willink. In his book “Can’t Hurt Me,” Goggins told how he grew up in a challenging environment marked by poverty and an abusive household. His father was abusive, and he faced racism growing up as an African American in a predominantly white community.
In his early adulthood, Goggins struggled with obesity and health problems. He weighed nearly 300 pounds and faced the health risks associated with being overweight.
Likewise, Willink, a retired Navy SEAL officer, faced the disaster of combat during his service in Iraq. He experienced the harsh realities of war, including the loss of comrades and the physical and emotional toll of being in a combat zone.
To live is to suffer.
As Goggins famously said:
Life is the most brutal endurance sport of all time! Suffering is a test. That’s all it is. Suffering is the truth of life. If you’re willing to suffer, and I mean to suffer, your brain and body, once connected, can do anything.
The concept of chosen vs. unchosen suffering raises questions about the nature of human experience, resilience, and the pursuit of meaning in life. Some philosophical and psychological perspectives suggest that while unchosen suffering is inevitable and often uncontrollable, individuals have some agency in how they respond to and find meaning in their experiences, even in the face of adversity.
For example, Viktor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor and psychiatrist, wrote about finding meaning in the midst of suffering in his book “Man’s Search for Meaning.” He argued that individuals can find purpose and resilience, even in the most challenging circumstances, by identifying a deeper meaning or purpose.
How to integrate chosen sufferings into our daily lives
Chosen suffering is a ritual that we can integrate into our daily lives. Building stronger mental resilience and coping skills is essential to manage unchosen sufferings. Training our body and mind hard gives us a better sense of meaning to keep pushing through whatever challenges we face daily.
Personally, I love to go mountain hiking. I discovered a deep passion for the mountains, a yearning to connect with nature, a long hike as if it never ends, a journey to the unknown, and an insatiable drive to push my physical and mental boundaries. It taught me a lot to have stronger mental resilience and endurance to achieve my goal, regardless of the challenges. It is the ability to push through even though I don’t feel like doing it.
And you can do it, too. Many habits and activities can force you to be in discomfort and challenging situations to survive and endure everything that gets in the way of the goal you are chasing.
Here are some examples of being mentally stronger person to achieve greatness:
- Physical Fitness Routine: Engage in a challenging workout routine that pushes your physical limits. Whether it’s weightlifting, running, or high-intensity interval training, make a schedule to do this minimum 3x in a week.
- Cold Showers: Integrate cold showers into your daily routine. The discomfort of exposing yourself to cold water can be a small but impactful way to build mental toughness. A cold shower is a proven way to overcome your limbic friction and do what you don’t want to do.
- Daily Meditation: Commit to daily meditation practice. Sitting with your thoughts and cultivating mindfulness. Embrace the discomfort of sitting with your thoughts. Start with 5 minutes a day, and increase it over time as you gain a stronger mental resilience to take it to the next level.
- Intermittent Fasting: There’s no better version of self-control than limiting your daily calorie intake. Choosing to abstain from food for a specific time is mentally challenging. What is amazing about this habit is its potential health benefits and strengthens your ability to resist immediate gratification.
- Reading Challenging Literature: Challenge your mind by regularly reading complex or challenging literature. Delving into books that require deep concentration and critical thinking can be a form of chosen suffering for your intellect, expanding your mental resilience.
- Public Speaking or Toastmasters: Engage in public speaking or join a Toastmasters group. Speaking in front of others, especially if it’s outside your comfort zone, can be uncomfortable. This helps develop communication skills and boosts confidence in high-pressure situations.
- Volunteering in Uncomfortable Environments: Volunteer in settings that may be emotionally challenging, such as working with marginalized communities or in healthcare settings. Involving yourself in difficult circumstances voluntarily can foster empathy, emotional resilience, and a broader perspective on life.
- Learning a New Skill: Take up a challenging skill or hobby that requires consistent effort and practice. Whether it’s learning to play a musical instrument, mastering a new language, or acquiring a technical skill, the initial struggle and frustration can be a form of mental training that fosters resilience. If you are on the same journey as me in learning a new language, hit me up! We can make ourselves more accountable to learn a new language.
- Setting and Pursuing Ambitious Goals: Set ambitious, long-term goals that require sustained effort and perseverance. Whether starting a business, writing a book, or completing a challenging project. I challenged myself to keep writing substack weekly for the next two years.
- Social Challenges: Put yourself in social situations that might be uncomfortable, such as networking events or social gatherings where you don’t know many people. Refrain from cheating by bringing your friends or plus one to make things more comfortable. Embrace the awkwardness of meeting new people. Experience the discomfort when you run out of words to keep the conversation going. It will teach you to be mentally tough to handle any difficult conversation you will have in the future in the form of unchosen sufferings.
It’s important to note that while chosen suffering can contribute to resilience, it doesn’t eliminate the emotional impact of unchosen suffering. People facing unexpected challenges may still experience a range of emotions, and the strategies developed through chosen suffering are just one aspect of a holistic approach to coping with life’s difficulties.
In the face of unchosen suffering, the toughness developed through chosen suffering can be like a trusted friend, helping you find your way through life’s tough spots.
P.S. This post is firstly published on Fitgeist.
